Monday, July 31, 2006

This will forever give me nightmares

Today while flipping through the most recent issue of Rolling Stone (a subscription I got for the handy dandy price of $5. I love talking about deals. I have no idea why.), I happened upon an ad with two men standing in a lake or pond or some other body of water holding a large, what seemed to be fake catfish. Thinking that a catfish of that size could exist scared me. To my dismay a catfish of that size could exist, and it does. My ever helpful roommate Tom emailed me a link to this disgusting picture of two men holding a real catfish. Disgusting. Oh lord. Look at that thing. It's ready to turn and eat the shorter man. I'm going to dream about it talking to me and tricking me into believing it has magical powers and then when I'm not looking the mystically humungoid fish will bat me in the head with it's tail and swish off laughing in a deep mocking tone, and I'll think to myself, "What a jerk. You stupid ugly fish". And I'll sigh and go back to collecting shiny stones.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

ahnree bondael

Yesterday I performed at the fancy department store Henri Bendel. You might say to youself, "Becky, you don't belong there, that's where ladies belong and you are certainly no lady". Well, that's not very nice of you to say, but I'll forgive you. I actually like performing in spaces that aren't meant for comedy. I have performed in an Indian restaurant, a strip mall and just last week I performed at a BBQ. I think I should strictly do shows in places people wouldn't expect there to be a performance. I will be seeing you at your local Gristedes.

This here is Desiree Burch standing in front of the Henri Bendel entrance. Desiree hosted the evening which included performances by Jessica Delfino, Chelsea Peretti, Giulia (aka Guileau) Rozzi, Elizabeth Dahmen and Rachel Shukert. Wait, but look at the display behind Desiree. Those are golden ball sacks. Come into our store. Golden ball sacks await you. It's like the ball sacks of old money inviting you in. Come on in.

This is the stage we performed on. Look at the fancy gowns. During Rachel's peformance a lady came out and asked her to "keep it down" because famed hair stylist Fredrick Fekkai was speaking. I don't know if I spelled that right. I just know he does something with hair and is very important. He must have been saying something like "Ladies, ladies don't fight. All of you can touch my fa fa hands that have graced the golden locks of Jennifer Anniston and Reese Witherspoon". They were all holding hands and having a spiritual moment.

Btw this is not a shot of me performing. This was taken after everything was done. It reminds me of when I had piano recitals as a kid and after the recital was over, my mom made me sit at the piano and pretend to play so she could get a good shot because she couldn't take a pic while the recital was going on, and I'd smile at the camera which is totally unnatural cause when I played piano I cried.

Goodbye from Midtown. Look at this shit. Trees growing out of the side of a mirrored building. Thanks mister Trump.

Wait this is kinda funny

Last year I taped this thing for the New York Television Festival. You can also see my pals Brandy Barber and Ashley Sronce in it. It's a fun time.

Yeah. If it seems I'm acting strange it's because they prod me with a hot iron right before they shot this and after it was shot they threw a glass of water at my face.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Backstage Pass

The Fabulous Entourage! Live at the Knitting Factory! This pic was taken from backstage. That's right, I was backstage at the Knitting Factory. Did I mention I'm a huge nerd and I was so giddy about being back stage?

Last night I got to help co host the Fabulous Entourage show with my pal Tony Carnevale. I still can't completely handle the fact that I was backstage at the Knitting Factory. For a moment I imagined it was 1989 and we were backstage at a New Kids on the Block concert and Jordan Knight had run backstage in between songs to get a towel to wipe youthful sweat from his brow after doing many many Roger Rabbits and Cabbage Patch Kids (the dance moves--just in case you were thinking something else), only to gaze at me and say "Girl this song is for you", and he'd hand me a rose, take off his shirt and then run back onstage again just in time to sing "My Favorite Girl" with that amazing falsetto that made me piss myself. Fortunately his voice doesn't do that to me any more. It was a problem.

Hey, look at this picture I took of the audience. Look at that couple in the back to the left. They look very constipated. Right after this picture was taken, men and women jumped on stage and showed us their hotness in wet shirts...a great American tradition. George Washington himself said "A man that can wear a wet t-shirt is a man I like". I wish he said that. I'm sure he said things like that. I hear he was quite the jokester. Anyway, I saw some nip but the T Shirts were dark in color and I had to point to the nips with my fingers and then the sound guy had to bring the lights up and then we had to bring magnifying glasses out. Yes, it seemed this batch of folk had tiny areola. It was innocent harmless fun I tell ya.

I am sorry that I do not have pictures of the contestants. I did see four pair of areola and some great boobs both male and female. The ultimate winner of the contest was a lady named Asia. I promise there was no favoritism even though my ancestors did in fact live in Asia and I am Asian, and enjoy Asian food, and Asian folk are my peeps, and Asians invented brick candy. Asia (the person, not the continent) said a funny. She said her name really was Asia and she wasn't saying that just because she was standing next to me. I laughed and then pretended to be offended. It was all part of the act. Later I knifed her.

Jen Hammaker rockin out to the tunes. She dances like a gazelle.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Summery and Sunned

In the Summer time da da dee dee dee dee.
I love the summer. I was chatting online with my cousin and she asked me where I was going on holiday this summer (she is using that British term! Oh the Brits!). I really should make plans to go somewhere, but for now there are some times to be had and some sights to be seen in the city. Here are a few of my favorite pics from the last few days...

This is the current Marc Jacobs window. The children of the future all wear Marc Jacobs. They are better dressed than you can ever hope to be and they're all very happy about it. This is the army of the future. Marc has created them and they will destroy you with their little porcelain hands. They care little of what you love or hope for. They are here for souls and human blood.

Look at this cute lil box of wine. An adult juice box. Very pretty in color and delicious! Perfect for parties or when you're on the go! You know the times when you want to get drunk, but you're sitting with a glass of wine and you feel so hindered cause really you just want to take that glass of wine and walk around town, but you don't want to face the stares when you walk into the market with your pesky glass. Now you can gallivant around town unhindered and go about your business. Thank you the makers of baby box wine! Thank you.

Yay Les Savy Fav. Good fun music and free! There's nothing like things that are free and good. It's like someone handed you a piece of scrumptious chocolate cake and said "Eat, enjoy!" and you're like "What? Are there needles in this? Has someone hidden pieces of poo in here?" And the person is like "No, go for it!" and it's delicious and you're happy and fat and full and you drink a glass of vitamin D whole milk, sit on your couch in your underwear and fall asleep satisfied with a bit of drool on your chin.
Oh in the Summer time la la di da di dah.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Kristin Cavallari are you my sister?

I hate to admit that for the five seconds I had cable, I watched Laguna Beach. It's shameful to admit really. Watching the lives of these bland beautiful rich people and the teen drama. Oh the drama. I enjoyed it. What can I say? The tiniest part of me identified with the kids of Laguna Beach...the part of me that wished I grew up near the beach, had $$$ and a mane of beautiful blonde hair. Hell I'm not blonde and I grew up way inland, far from the fair beaches of Laguna, but I still yearned. And somehow, even though my life in Arcadia was very different from Kristin Cavallari and her friends, somehow I am just like her since we are both from Southern California and people will associate me with the first Californinan they can think of which will inevitably be Kristin Cavallari...even though she is technically from Orange County and I am from Los Angeles County. Oh the things people from LA county say about people from the OC. (We say they are rich and from the beach, and those things are true.)

Yesterday as I was about to purchase a beer at my local watering hole, I was asked to present my ID. Even though I have lived in New York for a few years, I have yet to obtain a New York ID. This must be illegal somehow, but I am too lazy to make the effort, plus I love that my California ID has a picture of me from when I was 17. The picture is amazing. I look like someone punched me in the face and then they took the picture.

In any case, the fair bar maiden took a look at my ID and said "Oh Arcadia, I've never been there". Since I was feeling a bit chatty, I replied "Oh? So you've been to California?"
-Oh I'm from California.
-Oh yeah? Where are you from?
-The East Bay.
-Oh cool, the Bay Area. I love the Bay Area.
-Yeah. Where is Arcadia?
-Oh it's in Southern California.
-Oh. I've never been to Los Angeles. I'm afraid to go down there.

What the fuck? Seriously. First off imagine her saying this with the strongest of Valley Girl accents. What is she talking about? She's afraid to go there? Is it because she's afraid of the riots? That was more than a decade ago. Is she afraid that the people of Los Angeles will suck the culture out of her?
She continued.

-Haven't you heard about the rivalry between Northern and Southern California?
-Yeah, but I think it's more about people in Northern California hating people in Southern California. Everyone I know from Southern California loves Northern California.
-Interesting. Very interesting.

Wait, really? Is it interesting? I don't find it interesting. I just find you really stupid. I have no idea why this woman made me so mad. I hate regionalism, that is why. Where there is an "ism" in the world, I will fight it. I think I also hate this conversation. Who cares? But I guess if she was from Fresno I'd laugh a little inside. Ha Fresno, the armpit of America. That place sucks.

I can only assume this Northern Californian resented me and Kristin because we represent a whimsy, a sort of careless beach attitude. We love being sun kissed and we love wearing the breeziest of cotton dresses and bikinis without a care in the world while we wait in line for our Vanilla Ice blendeds from the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf while our little chihuahua softly coos and naps in our tanned arms. I can't fault her for her ignorance and hate. I can only say, "Kristin, you and me babe." That's all I know how to say. That is all I have been taught to say.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

happy independence

Happy 4th of July!
Here is my friend Tom making friends with the local drunk. Guess who's drunker? Hard to tell, really. I must say it has been a pretty good 4th. Watching the fireworks and seeing real fire being consumed and licked by a man. I stood mere inches from this man and his fire. (it sounds more exciting than it is.) I was told he was in a PBS commercial by a woman named Lola. A real live Lola. Also there was another woman there, I won't mention her nationality, (she might have been Chinese--I'm not saying a word because I am also half Chinese but I think my mom who is also Chinese, might have something to say, but I won't say the thing that my mom might say about people from China, because it's offensive and wrong but maybe in this case true.) but while I went to talk with a friend, I stupidly left my sausage unattended. While my back was turned this woman took said sausage and ate it, bun and all. She was also rumored to have taken my roommate's sausage from the grill in addition to another one of my sausages from the grill. Later she was seen pocketing large beers and a large bag of chips. Later I saw her with a very cute baby and I wondered if that was her child. I seemed to have remembered coming to the party with a small baby...But besides that, I saw quite a bit of fire on Independence Day.

This guy was not kidding.
He was for real. He ate the fire right in front of us with no shame. Proud of the flames. He even touched my shoulder with one of his fiery mitts. It was an experience to be had on our great nation's celebration of independence, even if this fire eater dude was Scottish.

Here is a leg posing/resting moment. It was discovered that posing with one leg on a porch and leaving one on the ground gave some rest to your lower back. Please try it at home. Notice our hot legs. Also notice the differences in size, texture, and color. Oh people are different.


fire man.

The End.